We listen to two voices the most -  our own voice as we speak it and the voice in our head.  Negative self-talk can impair our ability to be successful and can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Here are 5 suggested steps to change negative talk.

1. Become Fully Aware of When Your Negative Self Talk Shows Up, What It’s Saying and Remember That Your Thoughts Are Not You.

Carry the intention to be aware of what your negative self-talk is saying to you and in what situations it is most active.  There is a significant difference between “I am not lovable” and “I am having thoughts that I am not loveable.” The latter allows you the space to consider whether you accept the negative self talk as an accurate reflection of who you are.  In Eckhart Tolle’s book “The Power of Now.” Tolle shares how he was tortured early in life by his negative self-talk. He then discovered that the negative self-talk wasn’t him.  He was the person listening to it.  All thoughts in your mind are shaped and created by past experiences. If you had a great deal of unsuccessful experiences in  math it is likely that when you approach challenges in math your negative self-talk will show up and reflect the theme of your collective past experiences.  It might say something like: “I’m no good at this, never have been never will be” Becoming aware that this is your mind’s way of summarizing past experiences in this area and not necessarily a predictor of current or future performance gives you the option of deciding what to do with this message. You can choose to believe that the negative thoughts were false in the oast, are false today and will be false tomorrow!

2. Do Not Give This Negative Message More Power.

When you become aware of a negative message in your mind do not react strongly to it.  For example, do not command the negative thought to leave your head or agree that it is true and feel associated sad or angry feelings.  This only strengthens the negative message.  Adopt a mindful approach to unwanted thoughts or messages: “Welcome self -defeating thought.  I noticed you entered my consciousness, and you may stay if you want.  I am going to focus my full awareness and mental energy on this activity I am doing, or on developing a growth mindset mantra”.

3. Decide If This Negative Self-Talk Message from the Past Has To Be The What Guides You In The Present

The theme of our past experiences becomes our inner voice message.  When you are in a calm well-regulated state ask yourself a few questions about the validity of the negative self-talk message.  Questions like:

• “Was it 100% true in the past? Sometimes confirmation bias (The tendency to form a theory about yourself and only notice when the theory is confirmed) shapes the lens through which you see the world.  
• Did I get skill training and support I needed to improve? You may discover that the negative self-talk was not based on a accurate assessment of your abilities. Even if it turns out that the negative self-talk represents a true reflection of your life experience you still need to ask yourself the question: 
• Do my past experiences represent a life sentence or just a chapter from my past that I can grow from?

4. Choose A Growth Mindset Replacement For Your Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk shows up in several areas.  One area could be computer software problems. 

If your recollection of your experiences with software challenges is that you get agitated and rarely resolve the issue on your own, you may hear the following message in your head: “You are no good at this” This critical message about your capabilities comes from historical failures in this area and constitutes a fixed mindset.  Fixed mindset reflects a belief that you have reached a finite limit in your competencies in this area and not to expect any growth or improvement.  If this is an area you do want to grow in, I recommend you replace the fixed mindset with a “growth mindset.”. A growth mindset acknowledges the unsuccessful experience and believes that with effort, education, and possible help from others you can enhance your abilities in this area.  For the above example the growth mindset statement might be: “I have a history of mostly not finding my way through software challenges, but I have occasionally figured things out and can ask others for help and grow my competencies with education and training in this area.”

5. Make Your Growth Mindset Stick

There are 2 reasons your negative self-talk is so persuasive to you.  It is  is based on real experiences you have had so it seems legit.  Also, you have been hearing and saying these negative messages for so long and so often that you don’t even think to question their accuracy.   

When you create your growth mindset:

• Make sure that developing a growth mindset in this area is very important to you. You may have negative self- talk when playing golf, but don’t care because you rarely play, and don’t really like it. Golf wouldn’t be the first area to develop a growth mindset around. It is going to take significant work to retrain yourself to adopt a growth mindset where a fixed mindset exists. It must be of high importance to feel more competent in this area to make the growth mindset stick. 
• Make sure the mindset you choose is realistic and that you believe it to be true.  If not, change it to something your really believe. 
• Write it down and place it in places you will see throughout the day. (your pocket, a bathroom mirror, your refrigerator door etc.)
• Keep a journal of any small successes you experience using the new growth mindset.

Then, enjoy the great way it feels to believe in yourself!